I’ve been back on my depression medication for a little over a month now and it works fine! I don’t really get into the the deep funks I did but then anxiety decided it was it’s time to shine.
So I’ve been feeling weirdly inhuman lately. More like a robot with faulty wiring.
I love talking to people, being around people, entertaining people but then anxiety creeps in the backdoor of the party, leans over my shoulder, and starts whispering in my ear “Yeah but what if everyone hates you?”
And he’s always there.
I’m in the process of looking for another job because where I currently am is more of a frustration than being fulfilling. I’ll tell myself “Okay, time to look for another job!” and anxiety is sitting there beside me, “Yeah but you didn’t go to college and everyone is looking for college applicants, what are you going to do? Another retail job? Bro, you’re closer to 30 than 20 and nobody is..” and I’m all “OKAY I GET IT!”
To continue on with the robot analogy, anxiety is like a antivirus program. An overly sensitive virus program. A virus program that sees you opening Facebook and pops up a message “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?” and you’re like “Of course I want to do that, it’s Facebook, I use it everyday.” but anxiety retorts “BUT I WAS TOLD BY A GUY WHO HEARD FROM SOMEBODY THAT THERE ARE VIRUSES ALL OVER!”
While depression was more of a dark cloud looming ominously overhead, anxiety feels like a buzzing. It feels nervous and energetic in the worst way possible. But it also feels like a clamp on my chest, squeezing just enough to be uncomfortable.
Anxiety is the gasoline on the fire that is rejection phobia. I don’t want to approach people because they’ll think “Oh this dude is a weirdy and I want nothing to do with him.” I don’t want to apply for jobs because “He’s obviously underqualified to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day and we’re going to tell every existing job ever about him.” I don’t want to start dating because…
I met a girl. I think she’s cute and funny and interesting. I don’t know how she feels about it and according to the Terence Almanac, I probably never will. It’s an all encompassing fear. It’s worse than all the other ones. in this case, anxiety not just standing over my shoulder, he’s climbed on my shoulders and his covering my eyes and yelling in my ears “HEY BRO! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE! ALONE AND UNLOVED! WHY WOULD ANY GIRL EVER LOVE OR EVEN LIKE YOU! WE ARE A SHIT-GARBAGE-MONSTER WHO SHOULD ONLY LIVE IN DARKNESS! YOU’RE LIKE THE PRINCE FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST EXCEPT NOBODY IS GOING TO BREAK THIS CURSE!” and I just let him keep yelling because who am I to argue?
When I start to think about it more, I start to think that I can’t relate to other people. And what kind of person can’t relate to people? When will the time come when I can just replace all my parts with robot parts devoid of emotion?
Author’s note: If I was a robot, I’d be Mega Man X.